Louis van Gaal is one of the most self-absorbed men in the world of football. He is utterly convinced that he knows more, sees more and can influence more than pretty much everyone else. And if people forget to properly praise him for his achievements, he’ll just praise himself. Because he deserves it. Here are 15 typifying quotes.

1)  I know I’m a very good coach.

2)  Am I the one who’s so smart, or are you so stupid?

(After a journalist had asked him a question.)

3) Congratulations on signing the best coach in the world.

(To an Ajax director, after signing his first contract as coach.)

4) Louis van Gaal has nothing more to learn.

(Said about himself in 2001. Later that year he failed to qualify for the World Cup with the Netherlands.)

5) No, I am the ideal man, of course.

(When asked whether Eric Gerets was the ideal man to coach Belgium.)

6) The Bavarian attitude to life suits me perfectly. Why? Bayern’s motto is ‘Mia san mia,’ ‘We are who we are’ and I am who I am: confident, arrogant, dominant, honest, hard-working and innovative.”

(At his first press conference as Bayern Munich coach.)

7) I have achieved more with Ajax in six years
than Barcelona has in one hundred years.

(In 1997 after becoming coach of Barcelona.)

8) I’ve signed a contract with the Dutch national team until 2006,
so I can win the World Cup not once but twice.

(Van Gaal in 2000. He failed to even qualify for the 2002 World Cup and then quit as NT coach.)

9) I’m not the kind of coach who just goes out and buys players for the sake of it. I’m a coach who wants to – and can – improve players.

10) Guardiola follows the Van Gaal Philosophy. So I’m not surprised Bayern have hired Guardiola. Bayern always hire the best managers.

(Ex-Bayern Manager Louis van Gaal)

11) I cry almost every day. There’s always something that touches me.

12) I’ve never worn leggings like Robben does. I’m never cold because I’m warm bloooded. My wife says so too. We always sleep spooning.

13) If you want to, go ahead.

(After a reporter asked Van Gaal whether he wanted to congratulate his former friend Ronald Koeman with winning the Eredivisie with PSV.)

14) I hope the desire to win is greater than the tiredness. But the body is less strong than the mind. And we’ve got a few wimps in this team.

(Ahead of a DFP Pokal match with Bayern.)

15) Friends of the press, I’m leaving. Congratulations.

(After quitting from Barcelona)

Bonus – Van Gaal as the populist rhetorician.

In 1995, after winning the Intercontinental Cup with Ajax:

We are the best! We are the BEST! And not just of Amsterdam. But also of Rotterdam. And Eindhoven. And Europe.. And now we are the best of the…. WORLD!”

In 2010 after winning the league with Bayern:

Who has the best defense? FC BAYERN! Who has the best attack? FC BAYERN! And that’s why we are: CHAMPIONS! And not just in München. Also in:  GELSENKIRCHEN! And also in BREMEN. And in HAMBURG! We are the best of GERMANY. And perhaps soon: of EUROPE!